An Update on Life

Sunday 22 May 2022

It's so warm and I'm so tired. Here's some reasoning, and some general updates on life.

I recently spent a week in my parents house while they were on a small holiday within the country. They rented a cottage up in Yorkshire, where Last of the Summer Wine was filmed. It sounds like they had a lovely time and got some rest that they very much needed. I was needed at their house to look after Ziggy, their dog. He's a Jack Russell and he's full of so much energy, he's 10 years old but still runs around like when he was a puppy. I love him a lot, but he isn't very well socialised so when other humans come to the house he barks a lot, which can make him hard work to look after at times.

Anyway, while I was at my parents house I turned off the hot water in my flat. The place is always really warm, with my office in particular hovering around 24 degrees [celcius] most of the time. I thought that maybe the hot water was turning on more than I realised and heating the place up as a result. When I came back, the flat was just as warm. I did initially forget that I'd done this and was forced into a cold shower but at the very least I can rest easily knowing this uncomfortable heat isn't adding a chunk onto my electricity bills. Unfortunately it does confirm the heat comes from the rest of the building I'm in, and that there's nothing I can do to control it. I do try and keep windows open when I can, but insects flying around bothers me too much for that to be a long term solution.

As for the tiredness, that's just something that's going on generally. I slept plenty the last few nights, it's likely down to my recent terrible diet. [Something I say as if my diet is generally good, while it was towards the start of the year, that is a rarity.]

The cost of living crisis is finally starting to hit me. The electricity company attempted to almost triple the direct debit that I have set up with them, but after some messing around I reduced this to just under double. [And still £20 more than what they expect me to use], this alongside other general costs going up is starting to make things a little tighter. I've had to make the decision to cancel most of the things I'm subscribed to, or at the very least turn off auto-renewal. This includes: Spotify, Pocketcast Premium, Playstation+, Gamepass, Nintendo Online, Amazon Prime and Various Patreons. Some of these are a larger loss than others, particularly the Patreons I support. Others have been a long time coming, I don't spend enough time gaming to justify all those services. [Although most are paid yearly, so the last time I actually spent money on them was over 6 months ago.] The only thing missing from this list is Netflix, which has coincidentally also just put prices up. I do plan on getting rid of this, but since my parents also use it I want to at least let them know before I do and it's a conversation I need to find the energy for. My one silver lining with everything going on is that my rent hasn't gone up, this remains where it was when I moved in and looking at other places recently I'm very glad about this. If it was to increase to meet the market I'd have to re-assess my living situation. I still might have to in October considering we're expecting another increase in energy prices, but I can avoid thinking about that for 5 months. Hopefully.

At the very least, with the way everything is affecting me. I definitely can't afford to be spending money on takeaways and food deliveries any more. My diet should get better and as a result I should find myself with more energy. Either that or I make terrible decisions and sink even further into financial ruin.

That covers the physical side of things, now for the mental side. I guess the cost of living crisis falls into both, while it's something that occurs in meatspace, to say the worry it causes isn't also affecting thinkspace would be a lie. It's finally now starting to hit, although it likely should have hit me sooner, but I'm very good at forgetting things, even huge things. [ADHD will do that.]

While I wouldn't say I'm feeling bad right now, I'm definitely feeling stagnant. I need to look for a new [better paying] job and I really just can't bring myself to do it, I mentioned feeling tired and while that's physically it is definitely also mentally. We've had one person leave the team this year, and a second preparing to leave next month. The third member of our four man team has been on long term sickness for the last six months, but at the very least he returned last week, and we're training one of the first line guys to join us. Morale is not great, but there are small things stopping it from going off the deep end. Outside of work, I've been isolating myself quite a bit. I feel like I'm interacting with my online friends a lot less, and I've definitely not been hanging out with people in meatspace as much as I should. I keep muting that group chat because it all feels so tiring. There's one friend I'm still hanging around with regularly, but even that's hanging on by a thread that remains only because we decided to get Odeon Unlimited and go to the cinema together at least once [and usually twice] a week. He's also been very good at reaching out to me and arranging stuff, which I very much appreciate. There's one friend that I know has been having a tough time lately, and my self-isolation is making me feel a little bad because I wish I could be there for them, but ultimately it's something that I'm not fully in control of.

What all the above really comes down to is "I should speak to a therapist." but unfortunately that's not going to happen anytime soon due to money issues. When it's all written down it sounds a lot worse than it is too, all of the above misses out the good things. The fun I've had the few times I have hung out with people, the enjoyment of the films I've watched and the games I've played. Guild Wars 2: End of Dragons came out this year and I spent a month absolutely obsessed with it. These things are ultimately a distraction from the bad things in life, but the enjoyment can't be completely ruled out.